Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
by Potter47
Summary: The long awaited sequel to Harry Potter and the Half Blood Fanfic. Harry is not the only one setting off on a journey this year. PARODY.
1. New Titles

Author's Note: This is the sequel to Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Fanfic. Go read that one first, if you want this to make sense. But then, it won't anyway. D

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows  
_Potter47_

**_One  
New Titles  
_**

It was a dark and stormy night.

Then, the next day, it was bright and cheery, and that is where our story begins.

It was a bright and cheery day.

The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and as of yet, not a single kamikaze bluebird had flown too close to the Whomping Willow.

Luna Lovegood was walking along the grounds of Hogwarts, whistling a merry tune, serenely oblivious to the world around her.

Sereneness--or "serenity"--is a beautiful thing. It comes when one is at peace, when one is calm, when one is tranquil... or, if one is Luna Lovegood, when one walks face-first into the Half-Blood Prince.

"Ow," said the Half-Blood Prince. "You walked right into me."

"Sorry," said Luna serenely. Then, with a sudden eyebrow motion reminiscent of Hermione, Luna said, "Hang on a minute."

The Half-Blood Prince stopped. Luna watched him impatiently.

"What?" said the Half-Blood Prince.

"I _said _to hang on a minute," said Luna, serenely aggravated.

"I am," said the Half-Blood Prince.

"No you're not."

"What do you expect me to do?"

"To hang on a minute." Luna harrumphed serenely, and reached into her pocket, pulling out an abnormally large set of numbers:

3:57 PM

they read.

She tossed it into the air above the Half-Blood Prince's head, and then said, "Hang onto it."

The Half-Blood Prince furrowed his brow for a minute, and then did as instructed. Then Luna smiled.

"Now, where was I?" she said. "Oh, yes."

With another sudden eyebrow movement reminiscent of Hermione, Luna said to the Half-Blood Prince, "_You're not the Half-Blood Prince!"_

"What are you talking about?" said the supposed Half-Blood Prince.

"You're not," said Luna. "According to the last book, the Half-Blood Prince was Snape."

The alleged Half-Blood Prince sighed. "Blast it. But... but... I am _a _Half-Blood Prince..."

"You are?"

"Mmhmm. My parents were the King and Queen of Greenland before they died. My name's Po Turforti-Seén."

"Wouldn't that make you the Half-Blood King, then?" said Luna serenely.

"Why, yes, I suppose you're right," said the Half-Blood King. Then: "Wait... does that mean I have to adopt Snape?"

"Of course," said Luna.

"But I'm only fourteen..."

"Well, he's only forty. It'll work."

----

It was a bright and cheery day. Still.

Harry Potter was lounging on the grounds of Hogwarts. He supposed he probably shouldn't have even _been_ at Hogwarts, what with the school closing down the year before, but loads of kids seemed to like to hang around anyway. He'd just seen Luna talking to Po Turforti-Seén, for instance.

It was a sad thing, about Po. He'd defeated Voldemort last year like the prophecy had said and everything, and then book six had come out and brought Voldemort back and made _Snape _the Half-Blood Prince instead and now instead of being a war-hero, Po Turforti- Seén was just another washed-up, has-been King of Greenland. It was so sad... especially since Greenland wasn't a monarchy.

Harry's mind changed the subject.

_Isn't today a beautiful day...? _said Harry's mind. _Isn't today a most wondrous December the Twenty-First...? It's almost Christmas, the sun is shining, the birds are singing, and not one kamikaze bluebird has flown too close to the Whomping Willow..._

Then, as though some sort of magical spell had turned the world upside down, Harry's world turned upside down.

A voice shouted from the myriad of "students" gathered needlessly on the grounds of the closed-down school: "_The title's here!_" it said.

There was an ominous, yet bright and cheery, silence.

"Well, what is it?!" yelled Harry.

"Hang on a second," said the "student." "I've got to figure out how to open the blasted door..."

The "students" waited with anxious anxiety for minutes upon end. Harry watched a pretty little butterfly flit around beautifically, which is not a word, but should be.

"_HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY GA--no, wait! HOLLOWS--no, wait! HALLOWS! HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS!_"

The butterfly fell to the ground, dead.

"Oh no," said Harry. "Hermione's going to go nuts--"

And that she did--she was suddenly just next to Harry, along with Ron, who was attempting to restrain her.

She was shouting.

"_DEATHLY can't modify HALLOWS...! Deathly is an adverb! Hallows is a noun! That's atrocious grammar--and hang on a minute!_"

Po Turforti-Seén looked round from where he was standing, wary.

"_Hallows isn't even a word! 'Hallow' is a verb meaning to 'make sacred'... so what, is she saying it's 'Harry Potter and the Act of Making Things Sacred, Deathly?' That's just bull--_"

"Hermione!" shouted Ron, affronted. "Watch your language!"

Hermione stook her tongue out at him--"stook," by the way, is not a word, but clearly should be.

As, apparently, is "hallows"...

"I'm going to go write a letter of complaint to J. K. Rowling this _instant!_" said Hermione.

Ron's eyes widened. "But--but--but--what if she smites you?" he whispered fearfully.

"She wouldn't _dare...!_" muttered Hermione, glaring up at the heavens.

----

Po Turforti-Seén didn't know what to do. As the Half-Blood King, he'd just begotten himself a forty-year old son, and he had no idea what to do next.

A strange, fatherly feeling flared up inside him, and suddenly everything was clear.

"I have to find my son," he said, with a certainty he had not known he possessed. He nodded sagely, assuredly, serenely.

Po Turforti-Seén looked out at the horizon which was, suddenly, clearly visible on the Hogwarts grounds.

"Don't worry, Severus," said the Half-Blood King, his determination clear on his face. "Daddy's coming."

TBC

Dearest reader, and hopefully reviewer,

It has been a long time since we last corresponded--before there was any talk of "Snape Killing Dumbledore" or that mysterious R.A.B. (who most likely isn't that mysterious at all). In fact, it has been since the Night Before Book Six since you last year from me.

A lot has changed in my life. As you know, Po-Turforti-Seen has more important things on his mind now that he's been cleared of HBP status, than to chase around a little old author like me--as such, I've been leading a very calm, stress-free life.

That is... until the title.

Now it's back to work for me, back to the old days of my H.B.P.P.s. Sure, they won't be called that anymore--unless I feel like it, for old times' sake--but here they are again. What is going to happen in book seven...? That, my friend, is what we're here to find out.

Stay tuned.


	2. Covering the Bases

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows  
_Potter47_

**_Two  
Covering the Bases_**

"Hi Harry!" said Colin Creevy cheerily. "Oh merlin, I'm so excited. Let me see... one hundred fourteen days, five hours, forty-three minutes, and forty two seconds, forty one seconds, forty--"

"Shut up," said Harry Potter. Harry wasn't generally such a rude person, but on this occasion he felt it was necessary. Every time Colin had seen him over the past two months, he had felt the need to update him on the countdown until the release of the seventh book. Colin thought he was doing a friend a favor. Harry found it very annoying--and, deep inside, he had to admit that he was afraid Colin was counting down the moments until Harry's imminent death.

"OK, Harry. See you later," said Colin cheerily, walking away.

"Ron?" said Harry, causing Ron to pop into existence as a previously un-introduced member of this scene.

"What?"

"You don't think..." began Harry. He took a deep breath. "You don't think that the last book might end with me, you know..." Harry made a slicing gesture at his neck.

Ron looked confuzzed. "With a necklace on?" he asked. "Don't worry mate, I don't think JKR would do that to you."

Harry shook his head. It was useless. Ron just didn't understand what it was like. Sure, he had his share of theorists, claiming he'd have sort of sacrificial death to mirror the chess game in first year, but it was nothing like what people were saying about Harry. People were so proud of their "Harry-is-a-Horcrux" theories... they never stopped to think for a minute how troubling such musings were to Harry himself.

_I don't want to be a Horcrux,_ said Harry to himself, his expression becoming gloomier and his messy hair falling down over one eye. _That would be icky. Why am I always the one that's--_

Suddenly, Harry's moping internal monologue was interrupted by Hermione, who seemed to have popped up in the common room at that very moment. Her eyes were wide, and her mouth was as well.

"They're here," she said, in a faraway, glazed-donut kind of voice.

Ron jumped up in his chair. "The Death Eaters...?! Quick, Harry, we've got to get out of here so you can find the Horcruxes before they kill you and--"

Harry was about to interrupt him and possibly say something rude again, but Hermione beat him to it:

"Not the Death Eaters, Ron, you idiot." She made a disgusted noise and seemed a bit more in-the-moment than she had a moment ago. "The _covers_."

Harry gulped. Ron gulped. Ginny gulped, popping out of nowhere to be included in the scene as well. And somewhere in Little Whinging, Dudley gulped down a Big Gulp, but that was rather irrelevant.

Ginny spoke: "Am I on any...? I mean, last time I was on the back of the American but I looked like an alien..."

Hermione shook her head.

"Am I?" said Ron. "I've never been on the front, have I...?"

"Yes, you are," said Hermione.

Ron pumped his fist. "Yes! Finally...! My day in the sun..."

Harry was hesitant, but finally he found his voice:

"I'm not... dismembered or anything, am I?"

Hermione shook her head. "No, you look all right."

Harry heaved a sigh of relief, and brushed his bangs away from his eye.

"Well, let's see them," said Ginny.

Hermione took out the images from a pocket deep inside her robes, and laid them on the table between everyone. Ginny poured over the image of Slytherin's locket--it looked so familiar, now that she saw it. Ron poured over his picture, in what looked to be Gringotts--why did he look so nauseous...? Harry poured over the American cover, wondering what he and Voldemort were looking at. And Dudley poured his Big Gulp over the head of a cashier, who did not find it very funny, and I suppose neither do you.

"It'd be nice if we had any idea what was going on in these pictures," said Ron.

"Yeah," said Ginny. "That'd help things out a bit."

"It _would_ be nice to know what the heck me and Voldemort are doing in the Coliseum..."

"Well, I had an idea," said Hermione.

"Oh joy," said Ron.

"Quiet, I'm serious--" said Hermione.

"Sirius..." said Harry, an odd tone in his voice. His hair flopped back down over his eye.

"Harry, since when are your glasses so... rectangular? And thick-rimmed?" asked Ginny.

"Oh. I was trying out a new look--"

"Quiet, everyone!" said Hermione, huffing and puffing like the big-bad-wolf. "I was _THINKING_, that we could use the Room of Requirement to try to figure out what's going on in these covers."

Ron furrowed his brow. "How?"

"Well, maybe the Room would be able to take on the guise of these scenes, and we'd be able to play them out like they'll happen in the book..."

"I dunno," said Harry. "What if I die? That wouldn't be fun."

"Harry, stop being so emo," said Ginny. "You've got to think positive. You're _not_ going to die. Especially not in the Room of Requirement."

Harry looked at her for a minute, and then: "You sure?"

"Sure I'm sure," said Ginny, smiling slightly.

"Aw, I love fluff. Especially the Marshmallow kind," said Luna Lovegood, popping out of nowhere to join the scene, despite the unlikelihood of her popping up in the Gryffindor common room. "It's so sticky, and wonderful... Daddy is trying to get the Wizard stores to sell it, he's running an open letter in the Quibbler..."

Ron blinked. "Right then."

Hermione shook her head. "Let's go, then. To the Room of Requirement!"

"Huzzah!" said Luna, happily. Then: "What's in the Room of Requirement?"

----

Po Turforti-Seén trudged along the English countryside, slightly out of breath.

"I will find you, my son, everything's gonna be OK," muttered the Half-Blood King, as he slipped slightly in a mud puddle.

He righted himself, and wished the weather would perform likewise. He didn't know why it had to be such a dreadful day outside, what with all the rain, and the mud, and the grey skies. In fact, it had been perfectly cheery out until he'd neared the village.

"Almost there," he said. He entered the village, watching out for signs of life. He didn't want to be seen, after all. In an alternate-universe sort of way, he had defeated the Dark Lord, and as such he was more famous than Harry Potter himself. And he did not feel like signing autographs at a time like this. There were more important things at hand.

Finally, he entered a labyrinth of small, brick houses. The town appeared deserted, but Po knew better. _He_ was here. Po could feel it. In one of these houses was Po's son, and Po would find him if it was the last thing he did.

Soon enough, he saw what he was looking for: an old, dilapidated street sign, bearing two old, dilapidated words:

_Spinner's End_

_**TBC**_

Author's Note: I apologise for the delay on this chapter. Hopefully the next will come more quickly. In the meantime, please review--and I very much hope you enjoyed it.

Your loving author,  
Potter47


	3. The Slytherin Locket

  


Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows  
_Potter47_

**_Three  
The Slytherin Locket, or:  
The Apple and the Snake_**

Harry Potter walked back and forth and back and forth and back and forth in front of the wall that was really a door pretending to be a wall that was concealing the Room of Requirement, and he thought very hard upon a single image:

The Slytherin Locket.

Or more precisely, the Slytherin Locket as it appeared upon the cover of the British Adult Edition of _Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows_.

When he was finished with his forth-and-back walking, Harry flung open the door (that had recently appeared in the aforementioned wall) and started inside.

The rest of the gang followed behind him--or rather, the rest of the group, for it seemed rather unlikely for Ron, Hermione, Ginny and Luna to act very much like a gang.

"Where are we, yo?" said Luna, entering the Room, eyes wide.

"It looks like... Grimmauld Place," said Harry.

"But that's nonsense," said Hermione. "Clearly the Slytherin Locket could not be in Grimmauld Place... that would make no sense whatsoever and would be thoroughly unforeshadowed."

Harry, Ron, and Ginny stared at her. Luna was busy practicing her "gangsta" pose in a nearby mirror.

Hermione laughed nervously at the stares.

"Or I could be wrong..." she added bracingly.

"Look!" said Ginny, pointing to the glass cabinets against the wall. "It's the locket!"

The rest of the group scurried over to the cabinet.

"By golly, you're right," said Ron. "We must be right bloody stupid not to have noticed the big shiny 'S' when everything else in here says 'B'..."

"Yeah, well, I was distracted that summer," said Harry defensively.

"Oh yeah," said Ginny, "that year was your first foray into emo..."

Harry shot her an annoyed, if slightly depressed, glare.

"Seriously, Harry--" began Ginny.

"Sirius..." moped Harry, interrupting...

Ginny ignored him: "You're being a bad influence," she said. "You're supposed to be a hero--a role model--an example for the rest of the world. But the way you're acting, the next thing you know, everyone'll be all depressed, trying to be like you. How would you feel if all the heroes started being emo, hmm? What would the world have come to if we have an emo Spiderman?"

"Spiders!" shrieked Ron, scuttling behind Luna and using her as a human shield.

"Don't be stupid Ron," said Ginny, "I just said--"

"Spider!" shouted Ron again, and Ginny looked around.

A ginormous (which is apparently not a word, but is anyway) acromantula had popped into existence, guarding the glass cabinet that held the locket.

"SPIDER!" shouted Ginny, scuttling behind Harry and using him as a human shield. In turn, Harry scuttled behind Hermione, and Hermione scuttled behind Ron--the group now rather resembled a human centipede. Or a conga line. Or a conga line assembled of the disembodied segments of a centipede.

Luna, at the front of the line, shook her head sadly. "Fo shizzle, it's only a little spider," she said. Then she left the conga line behind her, and started towards the spider, cooing.

"I'm going to name you Junior, yo," said Luna, petting the spider under the chin.

"Junior!?" shouted Ron. "I certainly hope there's no Sen--"

Ron had intended on saying, "I certainly hope there's no Senior," but he did not have a chance to finish, for quite suddenly, there was no Junior either. Standing just in front of the cabinet in its place was none other than Severus Snape, looking more than a little unhappy, and more than a little unfriendly.

"I would appreciate it," he said, measuring his tones quite carefully, "if you would refrain from stroking my chin, Miss Lovegood."

Luna looked at him for a minute and slowly seemed to realize that he was not in fact still a spider. Then her eyes widened, and she jumped back into the centipede.

As she rejoined it, Harry stepped out of it, wand raised towards Snape.

"You killed Dumbledore!" he shouted. "On page 606!"

Snape smirked. "Actually, it was page 556," he said, "or, I believe, 596 in the American edition."

"MURDERER!" shouted Harry, brandishing his wand like a grown person might brandish a Wii remote--rather flailingly, to say the least.

"Indeed," said Snape, quite businesslike. "However, I must inform you that while I brutally murdered Dumbledore by sending him careening off a tower, I only did so on his own explicit instructions."

"Sure you did," said Harry, brandishing still more flailingly. "What kind of a raving lunatic would instruct somebody to send them off a tower--"

He paused, thinking of Dumbledore.

"Welcome back to the Order, Snape," said Harry, patting him on a shoulder. Snape raised an eyebrow.

"Don't touch me," he said.

"Of course, professor," he said. "My apologies."

Snape smirked once again. "That's better."

----

The Half-Blood King knocked purposefully upon the door--the very door which had, over a year before, been knocked upon by Narcissa Malfoy. That was rather irrelevant, but true nonetheless.

"Coming!" said a nervous, squeaky sort of voice.

The door swung open to reveal Wormtail, but as Po had never met Wormtail, it merely revealed a small, pathetic, nervous-looking, ratty sort of man.

"Hello," said Po, "I'm looking for--"

"Your name?" inquired Wormtail suddenly.

"Po," said Po. "Po Turforti-Seén."

"Well, thank you, Po," said Wormtail, "but your Half-Blood Prince is in another castle."

Po blinked.

"Drat. Where is he?"

"Well, he doesn't tell me very much about his plans," said Wormtail, "but from what I gather, he is at Hogwarts, waiting in some obscure version of the Room of Requirement in his animagus form, on the off-chance that Harry Potter will show up in search for the Slytherin Locket contained in the Room-of-Requirement-duplicate of Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place." He paused, and then added: "That's in London."

Po blinked.

"Er, thanks," he said.

"Anytime," said Wormtail cheerily. "Let me know if you find him--he said he was going to bring me home McDonald's and I'm getting pretty blasted hungry."

"Will do," said Po, and he departed for Hogwarts.

----

"Now that you're here, Potter," said Snape, "it is time to open the locket."

"Are you sure that's wise, Professor?" said Hermione. "Couldn't it be dangerous?"

"Of course it could." He reached within the glass cabinet, pulled the heavy locket out from inside, and held it out in front of him. The group gathered around. He continued: "It is most certainly going to be dangerous, as this locket contains a fragment of the Dark Lord's soul. It is likely one of the most dangerous things any of us will ever hold in our hands. In fact, this locket is so mysterious, and full of such mysterious magical energy, that upon opening it, the world may never be the same again."

The six of them held their breaths. Harry reached forward and took the locket from Snape, and without another thought, flipped it open. A shiny, black rectangle slipped out of the locket and into Harry's other hand.

They blinked, in unison.

"It's..." said Harry, eyes wide. "It's an iPhone!"

"I should have known," said Snape to himself. "What else would be full of such dark magic..."

"Oooh, it's shiny..." said Luna.

"Can I touch it, Harry, can I...?" said Hermione, with bated breath.

"Quiet," said Snape. "Nobody is going to touch it," he said.

The group let out a sigh, as one.

Suddenly--causing everyone except for Luna to jump nearly a foot in the air--it rang.

Harry gulped. It continued to ring.

"Go on," said Snape. "Answer it."

Harry hesitated, and then, finally, gathering up all his strength... he answered it.

"Hello?" he said.

The others watched unblinkingly as a small, high-pitched sound emitted from the phone at Harry's ear. It continued to speak for a minute, and then, finally, Harry spoke once again:

"I'm sorry, we're not Lenny's Pizza--you've got the wrong number," he said, and hung up.

Another collective sigh, this one of relief.

"Well, that was--" began Ron, but at that moment, something entirely unexpected happened:

The iPhone rang once again. Everyone jumped again, including Luna this time, who jumped quite nimbly into Ron's arms as though she wasn't scared at all, and had merely planned it that way.

"Hello?" said Harry, again.

This time they could all hear the voice on the other end quite clearly.

It was Lord Voldemort.

"Hello," said Lord Voldemort. "I'd like a large cheese, a medium meat-lover's, and a small Hawaiian... and on the cheese, I'd like some extra cheese, and pepperoni _on the side._ Do you understand? Oh, and I'd love to try some of your scrumptious-looking Cinna-sticks..."

"Erm," said Harry, "I'm sorry. You've got the wrong number."

"Oh, drat," said Lord Voldemort, and he hung up with a _click._

"Quick," said Snape, "we've got to destroy it."

"You're right," said Hermione.

"I know," said Snape.

"But how do we destroy it?" said Ginny.

"How about we smash it?" suggested Ron.

"That'll never work, Ron," said Hermione. "The warranty covers that--they'll give you a new one over and over and over if it breaks... perfect choice for a Horcrux, when you think of it..."

"Then what do we do...?"

"I have an idea," said Luna.

The others went silent.

She grabbed the phone out of Harry's hand and began fiddling around on it. She brought up the Google Earth program, and entered "Hogwarts."

The screen went into a sort of panic, and at once, the phone blew up in a puff of smoke, having realized that indeed, there was something it could not do.

"Brilliant," said Ron, grinning.

"So how many Horcruxes do we have left?" said Luna briskly.

"Um... well, there was the ring, and the diary, and now the locket, so that's three. So there are three left."

"Then let's get Horcrux-hunting, yo," said Luna, and she led the way out of the Room of Requirement.

TBC

* * *

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. 

This story archived at


	4. The Good, the Bad, and the Sparkly

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows  
_Potter47_

**_Four  
The British Cover, or:  
The Good, the Bad, and the Sparkly_**

Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Luna and (last but not least) Severus Snape determinedly strode out of the Room of Requirement, and then, after a bit of walking back and forth outside the door, determinedly strode right back inside.

This time, the room was decked out decidedly differently: instead of the dark, drab, dank, dreary, dull, dilapidated, dingy, dowdy, decrepit display of Grimmauld Place, it bore the bright, burnished, benign, and _brilliant_ look of a bank. More specifically, a great, gargantuan, golden bank vault filled to the brim with gold galleons, silver sickles and... bronze knuts.

"I do love a little alliteration," said Luna Lovegood lovingly.

"What on earth does that have to do with anything?" said Hermione. "We're here to destroy another of the Horcruxes, not to manipulate the English language to amuse ourselves!"

"Hermione's right," said Ron. "We do need to find the Horcruxes."

"Weasley's right," said Snape. "Granger _is_ right. We _do_ need to find the Horcruxes. We'd best be on with it, don't you think?"

"Snape's right," said Harry. "Ron _is_ right about Hermione being right--"

"Oh shut up!" said Hermione, which brought a sudden silence upon the room.

Then:

"She's right, you know," murmured Ron. "We should shut up."

"QUIET!"

"That's what I said!" said Ron.

"Gah!" said Hermione, shaking her head. "I give up!"

"Don't give up, we haven't even started looking--"

"Not on the Horcruxes, on--never mind!" she shouted, and stormed off in a bit of a huff, apparently deciding that the best place to start looking for whatever they were looking for was wherever the rest of them were _not_.

"Let's look," said Luna.

"OK," said Harry, and they began to look.

They looked, and looked, and looked, but they really had no idea what to look for. The room was full of gold and silver and all sorts of other things, so that it was really rather hard to concentrate. After all, they were shiny. And it was difficult to ascertain which of the shiny things were just plain old ordinary shiny, and which of them might have been soul-holding-ly shiny. As they looked through the heaps of gold coins and rubies and suits of armor, nothing really stood out as particularly interesting.

"Hmm... this seems particularly interesting," said Snape, indirectly calling me a liar. He held up a small glass ball that was, if possible, even shinier than everything else in the room. As Harry looked at it closer, he saw that it held what looked like a snake, coiled tightly around itself. Part of the snake seemed to blend in with the rest of the ball--it shone with an icy cool blue-ish-ness--while the head was a deep golden brown, as though it had just emerged from the oven after being baked.

"I'm hungry," said Ron. "Anybody got any food?"

"Will you stop thinking about your stomach for five seconds...?!" exclaimed Hermione, who had returned to the group. "This snake thing looks fascinating! This must be the Horcrux..."

Ron harrumphed to himself, then made a fist, raising another finger after each second. Then:

"There, five seconds. Now, has anybody got any food? I'm starved."

"Quiet, Weasley," said Snape, and he held the Snake up to his eye, to get a closer look. Then he blinked. "You've got to be kidding me," he murmured to himself. Then he held the ball out to Ron.

"What? I don't want that--I want something to eat..."

"Exactly, Weasley. That's not the Horcrux--it's just a gummy worm."

"Oooh," said Luna excitedly, "could we split it, Ronald?"

"Drat," said Hermione, "it looked so real..."

"Well, unless the Dark Lord coats his soul in copious amounts of sugar, I don't believe that that is what we're looking for."

Ron cracked the ball open like an egg, and pulled the gummy snake from within, hungrily--he tore it in two, handed one half to Luna, and munched away like a madman. Luna nibbled the teensiest bite, and put the rest away for later.

They continued to look, and look, and look, and they could not find anything. It was becoming very annoying.

"I can't find anything!" said Harry, annoyed.

"If only something exciting would happen," said Luna, and just at that moment, a great, circular window appeared in the stone wall.

"Window?" said Hermione, quirking her head to the side. Then a great wind seemed to come from the opposite direction.

"Wind?" said Ron. The wind picked up speed and forcefulness, and before they knew it, it was pulling Harry, Ron, and Hermione towards the window, along with a great deal of the treasure.

"Oh," said Harry, as they were sucked through the window.

The last thing they saw was Luna waving a silent goodbye, taking another nibble from her gummy snake, and Snape looking rather surprised-ly at Ginny, as though he, like this author, had just remembered she was there.

And then the bank vault was gone.

––

Po Turforti-Seén marched up the front lawn of Hogwarts. He was going to find his son at last--dear Severus was just inside the Room of Requirement, in the school, and soon he would find him and everything would be OK. But just then, he paused, just as he reached the front door.

"You know," he said to himself rather thoughtfully, "I don't think I have anything very funny to say or do for this chapter. So I think I'll just stay here until the next one."

And so he sat down upon the front steps of Hogwarts, looked up at the sky, and began to wait.

––

"Where are we?" said Ron, looking around. They were standing on a great pile of gold, which had come along with them through the window, but they and the gold were now situated on the grounds of a great, sparkling castle, beneath the shadow of a wicked-looking tree.

"I dunno," said Harry. "Hermione?"

"Present," said Hermione although her voice echoed in a strange way.

"What?" said Ron and Harry.

"What?" said Hermione. "Weren't you taking attendance?"

"No," said Harry. He blinked, because blinking is commonly used to illustrate confusion, despite it being something that everybody does once every two to ten seconds. Then he looked around him. "Hermione where are you?"

"I'm under here," she said, and by "here" it seemed quite clear she meant "the gold and silver and jewels and such." Harry and Ron jumped off of said gold and silver and jewels and such, and began tossing it aside, trying to find Hermione beneath the pile...

At last they found a foot, and attached to the foot was a leg, and the hip bone was connected to the... LEG bone, and then the rest of Hermione was connected to that. However, there seemed something a bit peculiar about her head, which looked rather more like a golden loving cup than, in fact, a head.

"Hermione, you have a golden loving cup on your head," said Ron frankly.

"Do I, Professor?" said Hermione. "Do you think I could make it up after class?"

Harry and Ron both blinked, again to illustrate confusion rather than merely to remove irritants from the surface of the cornea and conjunctiva.

"I reckon she bumped her head pretty hard, when it got stuck in there," whispered Ron to Harry.

"Well, let's get it off," said Harry.

"Right," said Ron, and then he went up to Hermione and said "Scuse me, Hermione... if you'd just lean over a bit..." He leaned her over, and began to pull.

"What are you doing, Professor? Shouldn't you get back to your lecture on Deflating Draughts?"

"Blimey, Harry, she thinks I'm Snape!" said Ron, struggling awkwardly to pull the cup off of her head. "Come on and help me."

Harry went around and attempted to hold Hermione by the waste, while Ron tugged the cup from her head, but it was to no avail.

"I reckon it's stuck," said Harry.

"Yeah..." said Ron. He quirked his head to the side, as though deep in thought.

He pulled his wand from his pocket, aimed it at the cup, and shouted, "_Engorgio!_"

The cup swelled up greatly, to about three times the size of a head--unfortunately, however, so did its contents, and Hermione promptly fell over from top-heaviness.

Ron muttered the counter-spell, and Hermione's head returned to its normal size. Ron shook his head hopelessly.

"I don't have a clue what to do," he said.

Suddenly, Hermione's hand shot into the air.

"Erm..." said Ron, and then: "Miss... Granger...?"

"You should add the puffer-fish eyes, of course, and stir carefully," she said. "And then you should see if you can find any Horcruxes."

Ron blinked.

"Maybe she's coming round?" said Harry.

"Maybe..." said Ron. "But I suppose she's right, we should get back to looking for the Horcruxes."

Hermione beamed, having supplied the correct answer, but they couldn't see it because, of course, there was a loving cup upon her head.

Ron pulled Hermione to her feet, and began to lead her by the arm.

"That's funny," he said, looking up at the great sparkling castle. "So now we're on the grounds of Hogwarts while inside Hogwarts, in the Room of Requirement?"

"Erm, I don't think this is Hogwarts," said Harry. "Does Hogwarts usually sparkle?"

"Well, I dunno, some people seem to think it's in a little kids' book, don't they? And the stuff in those books tend to... sparkle..."

"Nah, this isn't Hogwarts," said Harry. "Look at that tree."

Ron looked at the wicked-looking tree, its branches twisting and turning around each other in some sort of strange, many-limbed hug. There was a great mass of clouds billowing around behind the tree.

_Dun dun DUN...!_

"What was that?" said Ron.

Hermione's hand shot into the air.

"...Miss Granger?" said Ron again.

"It sounded like dramatic music, likely indicating that there are great, menacing clouds swirling around behind that tree you mentioned, and that there's going to be a dramatic lightning strike right about now."

A great flash of lightning flashed across the sky, behind the tree.

"Blimey, she's a know-it-all even when she can't see."

Inside the loving cup, Hermione was beaming again, because he hadn't called her "insufferable" and she felt that was an improvement.

"Maybe we shouldn't go near that tree?" said Harry. "I mean, with all the dramatic things going on behind it, maybe it's dangerous or something."

"Good point," said Ron. "Let's go in the sparkly castle instead, and see if they have any ponies--er... I mean, see if there are any Horcruxes inside."

"Yeah," said Harry, and they marched towards the shiny, sparkly castle. When they reached the door, there was a nice, sparkly, very safe looking knocker in the shape of a unicorn. They knocked three times.

The door opened from the inside to reveal Lord Voldemort, cackling madly.

"Aha!" he said, cackling madly. "I knew that this plan was brilliant...! All my Death Eaters said, 'No, Master, build yourself a menacing fortress!' But I knew better, didn't I? I knew that I should build myself a sparkly palace, and then nobody would ever suspect that the darkest wizard who ever lived, Lord Voldemort, lived within...! Bwahaha..."

Ron blinked. Harry blinked. Hermione blinked, too, but they couldn't see it.

Harry thought fast. He hid his hands behind his back, and waved his wand stealthily.

"Erm," he said. "Did you order a... large cheese pizza with extra cheese, a medium meat-lover's, and a small Hawaiian... with pepperoni on the side?" Harry pulled a large pile of pizza boxes out from behind his back, which he had just stealthily conjured.

Voldemort blinked, which was rather different than when everyone else did, because his eyes were slits so he blinked the other way, and it was rather disturbing.

"Well, it TOOK you long enough," he said. He took a step back, and called to someone deep inside the castle. "PIZZA'S HERE!"

"Woohoo!" woohooed someone deep within the castle that sounded distinctly like Lucius Malfoy, if Lucius Malfoy were ever to "woohoo."

Lord Voldemort snatched the pizza boxes from Harry's hands, and slammed the door in their faces, cackling madly because he had gotten away without paying for them.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione all stood, dumbstruck, on the doorstep, and Hermione shook her loving-cupped head futilely.

"People these days," she said.

"Let's go," said Ron.

"Wait," said Harry. He leaned down and looked more closely at the sparkly, unicorn door knocker.

"I think this is a Horcrux," he said, in wonder.

"What?" said Ron. "The unicorn?"

Harry nodded.

"What makes you think that?" said Hermione.

"It says here, in little letters on the horn: 'I am Lord Voldemort's Horcrux, but you'll never know because you would never guess that the darkest wizard who ever lived would put a piece of his soul in a sparkly unicorn door knocker.' Wait, there's more: 'I am cackling madly at you, by the way.'"

"Wow," said Ron. "He's right, I never would've guessed."

"Well, destroy it, Harry!" said Hermione, urgently.

Ron and Harry both looked at Hermione, noticing for the first time that she seemed to have fully realized that they were not, in fact, Professor Snape.

Then Harry looked back at the door knocker.

"_Reducto_!" he said, and the unicorn was smashed into a million little pieces. Unfortunately, Harry had been given lessons by Ginny on improving his Reductor Curse, so he also left a rather large hole in the entire castle wall.

Inside, they could see, Voldemort and his Death Eaters were sitting around in their pajamas, eating the pizza, watching movies, and seemingly enjoying their sleep-over far too much to have noticed the lack of wall.

"We'd better go," murmured Ron.

"Yeah, I suspect so," said Harry, and the three of them ran for it.

"Where do we go now?" said Ron.

"I reckon we don't have any other choice, except... the tree!"

_Dun dun DUN...!_

"Oh, shut up," said Hermione, and they ran towards the wicked-looking tree, which it turned out had only been a menacing distraction intended by Voldemort to lead people into the safe-looking sparkly castle, and just behind the tree stood the door to the Room of Requirement.

"That was convenient," said Harry, as they stepped into the corridor, opposite the tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy. Snape, Luna, and Ginny were already waiting in hall.

Snape blinked. Ginny blinked. Luna blinked, although that may have been entirely unrelated.

"What on earth does Miss Granger have upon her head?"

Beneath the loving cup, Hermione smiled, and her hand shot into the air.

TBC

* * *

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. 


	5. Meet the Skeaters!

  


Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows  
_Potter47_

**_Five  
Interlude, or:  
Meet the Skeaters!_**

_The two men appeared out of nowhere, a few yards apart in the narrow, moonlit lane. For a second they stood quite still, wands pointing at each other's chests: then, recognising each other, they stowed their wands beneath their cloaks and set off, side by side, in the same direction._

_"News?" asked the taller of the two._

_"The best," replied Snape. He whispered conspiratorially, which is remarkably a word: "The Skeaters have put out a new album."_

_The taller man nearly dropped to the floor from excitement._

_"Are you serious?" he asked._

_"No," said Snape snidely. "Sirius is dead."_

_The man shook his head. "Nope, that was Paul. Now where is this album?"_

_"Right here," said Snape, drawing it from within his robes. The man snatched it from his hands greedily._

_"I did so very much enjoy 'A Half-Blood Prince's Night'..." said the taller man._

_"As did I," said Snape. "Now, I believe we'd do best to listen in a more... private location...?"_

_The man nodded, and the two of them Disapparated._

Track One - **All You Need is Love**

Love, Love, Love...  
Love, Love, Love...  
Love, Love, Love...

They say, "It's a war that can't be won."  
They say, "Our song's already been sung."  
"Nothing more to do but wait for the Dark Lord to come kill you...  
It's easy."

But Dumbledore sees it another way  
'cause of the prophecy he heard, that day...  
"Yes, he may kill you but you can learn to defeat him in time...  
It's easy."

All you need is love.  
All you need is love.  
All you need is love, love.  
Love is all you need.

All you need is love.  
All you need is love.  
All you need is love, love.  
Love is all you need.

"You have a power he hasn't known.  
Something he'd never been shown...  
And that is the way that you'll defeat him someday...  
It's easy."

All you need is love.  
All you need is love.  
All you need is love, love.  
Love is all you need.

Track Two - **Voldemort's Horcri** (Yellow Submarine)

In a town out by the shore,  
There is a cave along the sea,  
In which a guy called Voldemort,  
Had hidden one of his six horcri,

So they Apparated there...  
That is, Dumbledore... and Harry...  
And they went through many trials  
To find one of those horcri...

We all need to find Voldemort's Horcri...  
Voldemort's Horcri...  
Voldemort's Horcri...  
(Even though it's clearly "Horcruxes," not Horcri...  
"Horcruxes," not Horcri...  
"Horcruxes," not Horcri...)

And they returned with a locket...  
To Hogwarts, from whence they'd leaved...  
With the Dark Mark in the sky...

(Trumpets play, with distant screaming noises)

We all need to find Voldemort's Horcri...  
Voldemort's Horcri...  
Voldemort's Horcri...  
(Even though it's clearly "Horcruxes," not Horcri...  
"Horcruxes," not Horcri...  
"Horcruxes," not Horcri...)

And then Snape... killed Dumbledore...  
Sent him off of the... tallest tower...  
Harry's alone... to do his deed:  
To find Voldemort's... Horcri...

We all need to find Voldemort's Horcri...  
Voldemort's Horcri...  
Voldemort's Horcri...  
(Even though it's clearly "Horcruxes," not Horcri...  
"Horcruxes," not Horcri...  
"Horcruxes," not Horcri...)

(continue to fade)

Track Three - **Arnold the Pygmy** (Eleanor Rigby)

Aah, look at all the Weasley's Wheezes...  
Aah, look at all the Weasley's Wheezes...

Arnold the Pygmy  
Picked up by a nice girl that went by the name of Ginny...  
Who gave him his name.  
Sits on her shoulder,  
while Crookshanks the cat licks his lips from his spot on the floor...  
What'd he do that for...?

All the Weasley's Wheezes...  
Where do they all come from?  
All the Weasley's Wheezes...  
Where do they all belong?

The Reusable Hangman, making his way to the noose at the top of the stairs...  
No one will care...  
Look at him walking. Why doesn't somebody simply guess a letter...?  
So he could be spared...?

All the Weasley's Wheezes...  
Where do they all come from?  
All the Weasley's Wheezes...  
Where do they all belong?

Aah, look at all the Weasley's Wheezes...  
Aah, look at all the Weasley's Wheezes...

Arnold the Pygmy falls to the floor and is eaten while Ginny is out...  
He's in Crookie's mouth...  
The Reusable Hangman, rubbing his neck with his hand as he walks from the grave...  
He is never saved...

All the Weasley's Wheezes...  
Where do they all come from?  
All the Weasley's Wheezes...  
Where do they all belong?

Track Four - **Wormtail's Silver Hand** (Maxwell's Silver Hammer)

Pete was sycophantical,  
Studied Transfigurational  
Magic when at school...  
Late nights chasing cool  
kids and a werewolf  
Ohh-oh-oh-oh...

They called him Wormtail  
But then he turned tail  
And ran to Voldemort...  
"I feel like betraying my friends to you-ou-ou, my Lord..."  
And as the Potters are going to sleep,  
A knock comes on the door...

Flash, flash, Voldy's magic wand  
Shot a spell into their heads...  
Flash, flash, Voldy's magic wand  
Made sure that they were dead

But then after that  
Voldy has to face some facts  
When Harry doesn't die...  
Pete's got to run away again, and hi-i-i-ide...

And so as a rat he stayed  
While Voldemort had gone away,  
So he finds a home...  
Ron says "Turn this stupid fat rat yello-o-o-oh..."  
But then he turns his back on the boy  
To help Voldy back to life...

Flash, flash, Wormtail's silver hand  
Covers up his stump...  
Flash, flash, Wormtail's silver hand  
was so shiny he could jump.

Flash, flash, Wormtail's silver hand  
Covers up his stump...  
Flash, flash, Wormtail's silver hand  
was so shiny he could jump.

Track Five - **She Came In Through the Bathroom Plumbing** (She Came In Through the Bathroom Window)

She came in through the bathroom plumbing  
Into the prefect's bathroo-o-om...  
And now she watches him and wonders  
If he'll ever figure out the clue.

Didn't anybody tell him?  
Didn't anybody see?  
"Just put it in the water...  
And you will hear the egg sing."

She said her death had been most tragic  
Killed by a snake, with yellow eyes...  
And now she haunts the school of magic...  
And gives Prefects quite a surprise...

And so he stuck it underwater.  
Just like she'd told him to.  
And though she tried her best to help him  
He hardly thanked her like she'd want him to.

Didn't anybody tell him?  
Didn't anybody see?  
"Just stay and talk awhile with Myrtle...  
Oh please, just talk to me."

Track Six - **Luna in the Sky with Thestrals** (Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds)

Picture yourself on a horse over London  
Skeletal wings float through the night skies...  
Somebody calls you, you turn around slowly  
A girl with protuberant eyes...

A roaring lion of scarlet and gold  
Towering over your head  
Look for the girl with the skip in her step  
And she's gone.

Luna in the sky with thestrals...  
Luna in the sky with thestrals...  
Luna in the sky with thestrals...  
Aaaaaah...

Follow her down a phone booth to a fountain  
Where partly-horse people stand happily by...  
Everyone smiles as you walk past the water  
That shoots so incredibly high...

Newspaper interviews in the Quibbler  
Set just beside the Snorkacks...  
Read the replies with your head in the clouds  
And you're gone.

Luna in the sky with thestrals...  
Luna in the sky with thestrals...  
Luna in the sky with thestrals...  
Aaaaaah...

Picture yourself on a train in a station  
With escaping toads and inquiring minds.  
Suddenly someone is in the compartment...  
The girl with the Spectrespec eyes...

Luna in the sky with thestrals...  
Luna in the sky with thestrals...  
Luna in the sky with thestrals...

Track Seven - **Tell Me What You See**

If you help me take the Stone,  
I will prove to you...  
You will never be alone,  
if I'm part of you.

Take off the turban now,  
Tell me what you see.  
It is no surprise now,  
What you see is me.

Difficult the tasks may be,  
But we will find a way...  
This old mirror holds the key.  
It's getting in our way.

Look into the glass, now...  
Tell me what you see.  
It is no surprise now,  
What you see is me.

Tell me what you see...!

Listen to me one more time, how can I get through?  
This time, Quirrell, use the boy--yes, the boy will do.

Look into the glass now,  
Tell me what you see.  
Tell me how to get the Stone,  
Tell me, oh, tell me...

Tell me what you see...!

Track Eight - **Here Comes the End** (Here Comes the Sun)

Here comes the end, (do-do-do-do)  
here comes the end,  
Oh, please say... "It's all right."

J.K. Rowling... it's been a long time since this started  
J.K. Rowling... it's been ten years since it began  
Here comes the end, (do-do-do-do)  
here comes the end,  
Oh, please say... "It's all right."

J.K. Rowling, keep the smiles upon the faces  
J.K. Rowling, please don't let Harry die...  
Here comes the end, here comes the end  
Oh, please say... "It's all right."

End, end, end... here it comes...

J.K. Rowling, I know that Voldemort is losing,  
J.K. Rowling, I know that good will have to win...

Here comes the end, here comes the end,  
Just please say... "It's all right."

Here comes the end, here comes the end...  
"It's all right..."  
"It's all right..."

Track Nine - **In My Life**

There are pages I remember  
Through all these books... that'll never change.  
Each time that I read them over  
A wisp of that magic... still remains.  
All these places had their moments  
With Harry and friends,  
Slytherins and all.  
Some are dead and some are living  
In my life... I've loved them all.

But these books that I remember...  
Are ending now... as all things do.  
Will these memories lose their meaning?  
As life goes on... and brings something new?  
Though I know I'll never lose affection  
For people and things that went before  
I know I'll often stop and think about them

In my life... you've changed it all.

Though I know I'll never lose affection  
For people and things that went before  
I know I'll often stop and think about them

In my life... you've changed it all.

**Author's Note:** I hope you all had a nice two-year anniversary of HBP. Why not celebrate by rereading "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Fanfic"...? D It's much shorter than rereading the actual book, after all. ;

Five days to go, and I think it's just now really hitting me. The regularly scheduled parody will resume in the next chapter, to be posted in two days' time. I hope you enjoyed these songs--which of course were originally written by the Beatles--it's a bit of a tradition, actually, as I also had a chapter of Beatles parodies in the original fic.

* * *

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. 

This story archived at


	6. There Will Soon Be Seven

  


Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows  
_Potter47_

**_Six  
The Deluxe Edition, or:  
There Will Soon Be Seven..._**

After a completely random and unrelated interlude involving some classic wizard rock and roll, Harry, Ron, Hermione (still loving-cupped), Snape, Luna, and Ginny entered the Room of Requirement once again. This time, it had become what looked like a great forest, but what was really just a mediocre forest, made not-so-great by the nasty little fact that a murderous raving dragon lived within its trees.

But none of our heroes knew that, of course, so they walked happily along, unbeknownst to the tragic death that was about to befall someone. (After all, this book is supposed to be a bloodbath, and so far, nobody's bathed in a single drop of it.)

"Hagrid!" shouted Harry, quite surprised to see the Hogwarts gamekeeper within this strange and mysterious forest in which they were walking along happily.

Hagrid didn't speak. He looked at Harry pleadingly.

"Oh, right, right," said Harry, nodding. "I forgot, sorry."

"What did you forget?" asked Luna curiously.

"That this is a fanfiction," said Harry, "and so Hagrid can't speak because nobody can get his accent right. He told us so in the last story."

"Oh," said Luna, nodding, and still nibbling her gummy worm. "That makes sense."

Suddenly, a giant, murderous, raving dragon stomped in out of nowhere and swallowed Hagrid whole.

Everyone blinked.

Ron was the first to speak:

"Well, it's about time he died, really," he said. "Everybody's been saying he's going to die for years now, they said it after fourth year, but then Sirius died, and then after fifth year, but then Dumbledore died..."

"I guess you're right," said Harry, nodding. "I mean, it does sort of lose the impact it once would have had, once you've killed all these other people I care about..."

Then, suddenly, they seemed to recall the dragon that was still standing above them, chomping on Hagrid's massive body.

"Say," said Ron, following his own instructions, "is it just me, or... d'you reckon that dragon looks... familiar?"

And indeed, it did.

"Norbert!" shouted Harry happily. Hermione bounced up and down excitedly--she likely would have come to the realization of the dragon's identity long ago, if she could only have seen it.

"Well, it's about time he came back, really," said Hermione. "I mean, that entire plotline was totally useless, you know?"

Everyone agreed with this, and nodded, even Norbert, who had finished chomping on Hagrid and now bowed very low to the ground.

"Harry... I think he wants us to climb on," said Ron nervously.

"Oh dear," said Hermione.

"Well, I guess we haven't much of a choice," said Harry. "He could just eat us, you know."

"True," said Ron, so he, Harry, and Hermione climbed up onto Norbert's back. He jumped up into the air at once, beginning to fly away.

"We'll be right back!" Ron shouted towards the others, still on the ground, who had hardly said a word and thus might as well have just stayed behind in the corridor.

Norbert took them on a fabulously adventurous flight, over the forest, and the mountains, and a small village that looked like it came straight out of _Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory_. In fact, Harry was about to say "I can see our house from here!" even though he clearly couldn't because he didn't live here, _and_ because all of the houses looked exactly the same.

Then, rather shockingly, Norbert began to speak, in a most dignified voice.

"I have missed you all very much," he said, sounding much more like a butler than a dragon.

"Erm... we've missed you too," said Hermione, wishing she didn't have the loving cup on her head, so that she could enjoy the view, and hoping very much that if anyone were to ever create an artist's rendition of this dragon flight, to appear on the deluxe edition of some sort of book, they would not include the cup, so that she would seem a bit more normal.

"That Hagrid fellow was a right nice old chap," said Norbert apologetically, "but he did grow rather annoying. When you weren't here, he could talk, you see, because his words didn't have to be written out, and he had the most dreadful accent..."

"Yeah," said Harry, still rather unaffected by Hagrid's death, as it wasn't much in comparison to Dumbledore's or Sirius's.

"Oh, dear me, look at the time," said Norbert, craning one wing to glance at a giant Muggle wristwatch. "I'd best get you back down to your friends..."

It was indeed growing rather late, according to that giant Muggle wristwatch, and the sun was beginning to set as well. Norbert guided them down gracefully back into the forest, landing in a clearing just beside Snape, Luna, and Ginny.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione dismounted carefully, thanking Norbert for the wonderful ride.

"You're welcome very much," said Norbert, surprising Snape, Luna, and Ginny, very much as well, who rather had thought he couldn't speak--especially not in such dignified tones. Norbert continued: "Stop by anytime you like--I haven't forgotten how the three of you cared for me while I was young."

Harry furrowed his brow.

"But Hagrid cared for you loads more than we did, and you ate him."

Norbert's eyes widened. "Oh dear me, I hadn't thought of that. I was rather hungry... oops. I hope you weren't very good friends with him...?"

"Eh, not really," said Harry.

"Not for the last couple of books, anyway," said Ron. "He's kinda just drifted into the background..."

"Oh," said Norbert. "Well, if there's any way I could possibly repay you..." His eyes alighted on a thought, all of a sudden. "Oh, I know!"

He pulled the giant Muggle wristwatch from his wing, and held it out.

"This wristwatch happens to be one of the Dark Lord's Horcruxes. You wouldn't be interested in--?"

"Yes we would!" said Harry very quickly, grinning widely. Norbert placed it in front of Harry, then, and it was quite the size of the six of them.

"Erm..." said Harry, "is there any way you could... um... destroy it for us right here? I mean, it would be rather difficult for us to carry..."

"Of course," said Norbert. He picked up the watch, threw it into the air, and blew a stream of fire at it, burning it to a great crispy thing that looked like a quite overdone onion ring.

"Thanks!" said Harry.

"Anytime," said Norbert. "Now, I'm getting a bit hungry again, so if the six of you wouldn't mind leaving the area..."

"Let's go!" said Harry, and they all ran back to the door that led out of the Room of Requirement.

"How many Horcruxes is that, Harry?" asked Ron, as they found themselves in the corridor once more.

"Five," he said. "The ring, the diary, the locket--"

"You mean the iPhone," corrected Hermione; Harry ignored her.

"...and then the unicorn door-knocker, and now this wristwatch. So there's only one more."

"I wonder what it could be," said Hermione, rubbing the loving cup thoughtfully.

"Shh," said Snape, suddenly. "There's someone coming."

And indeed, they did hear voices drifting down the corridor:

"And why did you say you were looking for Professor Snape, again, dear boy?"

"He's the Half-Blood Prince, you see," said what sounded like a teenager's voice. "And I'm the Half-Blood King. So that makes him my son, you see, and I'm trying to find him."

Luna's eyes widened, but not nearly as much as Snape's--before the voices could appear in the distance, Snape had done an odd sort of jig in front of the door to the Room of Requirement, going back and forth before it three times, quick as a flash, and then he threw open the door and disappeared inside.

Everyone else blinked.

"Well, I reckon we'd better follow him," said Harry, and follow him they did, back into the Room of Requirement for one... last... time.

_Dun dun DUN...!_

TBC

* * *

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. 

This story archived at


	7. Deathly Hallows Eve

  


Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows  
_Potter47_

**_Seven  
The US Cover, or:  
Deathly Hallows Eve_**

Whispers were running rampant all over Hogwarts grounds. "_It's leaked, it's leaked!_" cried some of the students. "_Don't tell me, don't tell me!_" cried the rest. It was a strange, elaborate game of cat-and-mouse, as the poor little mice had come to the point where they had to blockade themselves in their dormitories to make sure they were not spoiled.

The cats were having a grand old time trying to spoil the seventh book for everyone else--as they'd given up on reaching the mice, so hidden as they were, they decided to ruin everything for the rest of the world. They fled Hogwarts and headed for the Muggle world, spoiling everyone they could reach. One particularly nasty Slytherin even alerted the New York Times, who were also quite nasty enough to publish a spoiler-filled advanced review, spoiling pointless others.

While this war was being waged outside the castle walls, _inside,_ a very different struggle was about to take place.

Deep within Hogwarts, in a corridor on the seventh floor, across from the tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy teaching trolls ballet, stood a young man by the name of Po Turforti-Seén. He also went by another name, one that rang quite more royally:

The Half-Blood King.

The Half-Blood King had just witnessed a group of people disappearing into what he knew, Gary Stu that he was, had to be the Room of Requirement. He also knew somehow, instinctively, that his son, Severus Snape, the Half-Blood Prince, had ventured into this room as well, and as such, he knew that he must follow.

Po walked back and forth along the corridor three times, thinking fervently: _I need to find my son, I need to find my son, I need to find my son._ The door appeared once again, and Po threw it open with a flourish.

––

Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, and Luna found themselves in the strangest sort of place, when they entered the Room of Requirement for the final time. It was some sort of amphitheater, rather similar to the Death Room in the Department of Mysteries, and everything had a distinctly _orange_ look about it.

There were great orange curtains that somehow seemed to enclose the entire place while not, technically, existing. There were hundreds of stone benches, filled with strange, shadowy people that Harry assumed were departed souls, because one of them looked just like Hagrid, who had just died. The theater was surrounded by what looked like a highway overpass.

And then, Harry saw him.

The Dark Lord Voldemort stood in the center of the amphitheater... waiting.

Harry marched out to meat him, but he didn't have any beef, pork, lamb, mutton, chicken, ham, venison, or veal to throw at the Dark Lord, so he merely marched out and met him in the center of the theater.

"Hello, Harry Potter," hissed the Dark Lord. "This is it, you know."

Harry nodded. "I know."

"By tomorrow," said the Dark Lord, "it will be all over."

Harry nodded. The Dark Lord bent down and whispered closely so that only Harry could hear.

"So who do you think's going to end up together?" gossiped the Dark Lord. "I'm still pulling for you and Ginny to get back together, I was so upset when she let you break up with her..."

Harry blinked. He had entirely forgotten about Ginny once again, which was a shame, as he remembered that this fanfiction was being posted on a Harry/Ginny archive as well as a general one, and if he didn't do something soon to indicate that this was, in fact, a Harry/Ginny story... well, he didn't want to think about that.

Luckily, Ginny had been with them throughout the entire adventure, just so that finally, at this moment, she would be there when needed. She walked up to Harry's side, and they began to snog one another's faces off.

"All right, all right, that's enough," said the Dark Lord Voldemort. "No PDA."

Ginny shrugged, and flounced back over to where she had been sitting before, her role finished.

"Now, Harry Potter," hissed the Dark Lord, back to business. "I believe we have a score to settle."

"We do?" said Harry.

"Indeed," said Voldemort, pulling a list from within his robes. He handed it to Harry.

"_A Score to Settle_," read Harry from the paper. He quirked an eyebrow. "What's this?"

"It's a list of twenty major characters," said Voldemort. "You've got to make your predictions, after all. Who will live and who will die...?"

"Oh, all right," said Harry. "Do you have a pen?"

Voldemort blinked. "Oh dear, I've forgotten it." He looked around the theater, patting down his robes as though he would feel a pen sticking out of his sides.

"I've got one!" came a shout from the edge of the theater. Hermione was standing, loving cup quite as silly-looking as ever, holding a pen high above her head.

Voldemort reached out a long-fingered hand towards the pen, about to levitate it towards them...

"I've got it," said Harry, reaching out his own hand in a similar fashion. And they stood like this for a moment, arms both outstretched towards something in the distance, until finally, the pen zoomed into Harry's hand.

"Drat," said Voldemort, pouting. "I was trying to do you a favor..."

"Oh, it's all right," said Harry. "I don't mind."

"Are you sure?"

Harry nodded, smiling.

"OK, good," said Voldemort.

Harry plopped himself down on the ground, pen in hand, and began to check off who he felt was going to live or die, of the score of major characters. When he was finished, he handed the paper back to Voldemort, and tossed the pen back towards Hermione; it clanged noisily off of the loving cup, rattling her brain.

Voldemort was scanning the list with great interest.

"I see," he was murmuring. "Hagrid, of course, yes... Lupin? Oh, that's interesting... and..."

His scarlet eyes flashed.

"ME?" he shouted.

"Erm... yeah," said Harry.

Voldemort was livid.

"You think _I_ am going to die at the end...?!"

"Well, it's kinda obvious--"

"PREPARE TO DIE!" shouted Voldemort, pulling out his wand.

Harry blinked. "Why? You saw the list, I rather think I'm going to live, I don't see why I should bother preparing to die..."

"PREPARE TO DIE!" shouted Voldemort again, poking Harry repeatedly with his wand, as though he were some sort of food and Voldemort was attempting to ascertain whether he was well-done.

"Fine," murmured Harry, pulling his own wand out and looking rather put-out about it. "We'll duel..."

"NO!" shouted Hermione, and it echoed deeply from within the loving cup. "HARRY! WE HAVEN'T FOUND THE LAST HORCRUX YET, IF YOU TRY TO KILL HIM NOW IT WON'T DO ANY GOOD!"

She was holding the loving cup for dear life, as the echoes threatened to send her falling to the ground.

"Say," said Ron from beside Hermione, peering closely at the cup on her head, "Harry, did you notice this badger thing on this cup?"

"It looks rather like a Hufflepuff crest," said Luna indifferently.

"OH MY GOD!" shouted Hermione, and then she lowered her voice slightly, apparently sick of the reverberations. "The loving cup is the last Horcrux!"

"Wow," said Harry, shocked. "Who on earth could have seen that coming?"

"Are we going to duel to the death or not?" asked Voldemort impatiently.

"Just a sec," said Harry, and he dashed over to Hermione and the others.

"How are we going to destroy it, Harry?" asked Ron. "Without destroying Hermione, that is?"

"Gee, I dunno," said Harry, rubbing his head fretfully. "This is awful complicated. Almost as bad as if it had turned out my scar was the last Horcrux and I had to destroy it without blowing _my_ head off..."

They paused for a second, and then burst into laughter.

"That'd be ridiculous," said Ron.

"I know," said Harry happily. "But what are we going to do about Hermione?"

"There's only one thing to do," said Hermione weakly. "You've got to sacrifice me."

And they knew there was no other way. Harry took a few steps back, and with a deep breath, he pointed his wand at Hermione.

"Hang on a second," said Ron. And he kissed Hermione on the chin, which was sticking out from beneath the cup. "Sorry I never got the nerve to ask you out, Hermione," he said, quietly.

Hermione smacked him in the face.

"Are you kidding me, Ron?" she said, fuming. "I said _not as a last resort_, didn't I? Didn't I? WHAT DO YOU BLOODY CALL TELLING ME THE MOMENT I'M ABOUT TO GET MY HEAD BLOWN OFF?"

Ron blinked. He shuffled a few steps away from her.

"Er, go ahead, Harry."

And Harry pointed his wand once again at Hermione's head. He was just about to shout _Reducto!_ when another voice came out of nowhere.

"Oh no you don't," said the voice. "Expelliarmus!"

Harry's wand flew from his hand, and he looked up to see Severus Snape standing beside Hermione.

"Snape? Why'd you do that? I need to destroy the last Horcrux--"

"I know that, Potter, but you're not taking the only competent student left in Hogwarts with you," he said. He pulled a potions bottle from within his robes and poured it over the cup on Hermione's head. It loosened, and he pulled--it slid over her ears with a slight _pop_, and Hermione was free.

Everyone blinked.

"Why the hell didn't you do that before?" asked Ron.

Snape did not get a chance to answer, however, for at that moment, two things happened: first, Hermione conjured a frying pan from the end of her wand and began to run at Ron with it; he promptly started running as well. Then, the next second, a teenage boy appeared from nowhere just beside Snape.

"SEVERUS!" he shouted, throwing his arms around Snape's waist. "MY SON! I'VE FOUND YOU AT LAST!"

Snape's facial features contorted in the most repulsive way they had ever done in all the time Harry had known him.

"Your _WHAT?!_"

Luna, looking rather guilty, munched nervously on the last of her gummy worm and attempted to blend in with the spirits of the dead.

"My son," repeated Po Turforti-Seén, loosening his grip on Snape's waist and looking up at him proudly. "You're the Half-Blood Prince, and I'm the Half-Blood King, and so that makes you my son, of course."

Everybody blinked once again, and Snape was at a total loss for words. As such, he merely pointed his wand at Po, and using a convenient nonverbal _Levicorpus!_, hung him upside down.

"Never, ever, _ever_ touch me again, _boy_," sneered Snape, and it looked as though he were about to say more, but he was interrupted by a loud _gong!_ which signaled that Hermione had caught up with Ron.

"ENOUGH!" shouted the Dark Lord Voldemort. "I have had it up to _here_ with these shenanigans"--and here he forgot to gesture to any sort of height, so that he seemed quite silly to be using such a phrase--"and am quite ready to kill you all, now."

"_AVADA KEDAVRA!_" shouted the Dark Lord, sending a jet of green light towards the group of them. Harry took a step to his left, Snape to his right, and the spell missed them all quite completely, instead hitting the Hufflepuff loving cup (say that ten times fast), which burst into flames.

"Oopsie," murmured Voldemort. He laughed rather nervously. "You did say that that was the _second_ to last Horcrux, yes...?"

Harry shook his head.

Voldemort began to back away in a horrible imitation of stealth.

Harry raised his wand.

Just then, however, before Harry could have a chance to curse the Dark Lord, a very large book fell from the sky, hit Voldemort directly on the head, and killed him instantly.

Everyone let out a collective gasp--even Ron, who was unconscious, and all the spirits of the dead.

Harry rushed over to Voldemort's corpse, and picked up the book that had killed him. He grinned excitedly.

"_It's here!_"

THE END

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Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. 

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